Sera A'd me something

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Dear Sera,

Thanks for writing. Not to minimize that we live in a complicated era with some existential comeuppances on the horizon… but I do think that these chilling moments of quiet terror have maybe been a central part of parenting (or existing?) since forever.

I acknowledge that it’s a knob-headed move to quote one’s own music, but this is the final chorus from my song Which Is It:

We’re drawn to the madness like an accident scene
Divvy up the sadness like a currency
Drawn to whatever we don’t have anymore
Drawn to the demons and the wolf at the door

Drawn to whatever’s hanging low on the tree
Drawn to whatever prison tells us we’re free
Drawn to an ending that’ll settle the score
Drawn, but we’ll try to keep the wolf at the door

Is this new?
Is it ancient?
Are we screwed?
Which is it?

A few things come to mind:

1. There are many things to worry about. I won’t start naming them. We know what they are. So, yes... it’s a real thing, and there are real looming consequences to these problems.

2. Worry is a natural part of existing and it’s healthy to accept it as a part of our emotional process.

3. Acknowledging real feelings of worry can spur us to take action, for ourselves or for others, and this can be a good thing, but…

4. Adopting worry as an ongoing pastime and taking on the world’s pain as our own only enlarges the sum of Gross Worldwide Pain (GWP).

I’ve come to the opinion that dwelling in these pangs of world-sad is actually a self-serving occupation. It doesn’t do a whole lot for those being dwelled on, but it’s eerily pacifying for the dweller - sorta like…

“If I’m sad for the world all the time, I must be a good person.”

It’s also a an excuse to atrophy and do nothing at all…

“I’m just too sad to act”.

Empathy is crucial. We must feel and be aware of the pain. I’m not advocating for narcissism. But when we look to the inspirational empathic heroes of the modern world, they often carry a surprisingly joyful spirit alongside their not-so-surprisingly mindfulness. The Dalai Lama, Malala, Desmond Tutu, Beatrice Webb, Gandhi, Jon Stewart, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Nelson Mandela…

SO - this is all just a longwinded way of saying that I think we should forgive ourselves when we do manage to get beyond the worry. We need not have survivor’s guilt for simply making it through the day. We might cosmically inspire a net reduction in Gross Worldwide Pain by reducing our own internal pain.

Desolation Sound, 2022 - photo credit Grant Lawrence

AND - the best ways I have found to centre my mind and reduce anxiety all come down to daily practices. They require commitment. Also, they require a bit of selfishness, which I think is okay, because being selfish for a few minutes each day means that my kids and wife get a better version of me for all the other hours they have to deal with me.

1. Extreme breathing. I’ve tried meditating but I have a hard time getting over the boredom. Alternatively, doing 10 minutes of Wim Hof breathing is an ACTIVE practice. It feels like when I was a kid and I’d press RESET on my Nintendo when the screen would freeze. Good as new.

2. Cold baths (or cold ocean/lake plunges) now and then, or 2 minutes of cold shower at the end of my hot shower each morning.

3. 10 minutes of exercise. I don’t know how anybody makes time to go to the gym, but I can fit some squats, crunches, planks and push-ups into my routine most mornings.

4. Reading a real book for at least ten minutes in bed before I go to sleep.

When I’m in a cold bath, different parts of my body will feel pain. If I focus on those parts of my body, they get warmer. I acknowledge the sensation, and accept it. I relax my shoulders. I stop resisting. And when I get out, I feel energized and peaceful.

I think there’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere.

I’d be curious to hear about other daily practices that folks have found helpful. Feel free to pop ‘em in the comments!

x
Dan